Girl Talk
Candid Q and A with Leslie
Message from Leslie: Below are my answers to some of the most common questions that girls ask me about relationships, purity and femininity. In no way do I feel that I “have all the answers” for these questions, or that these answers are full and complete. In fact, a book could be written on each of these subjects. But I hope that my insights and thoughts will be a catalyst for you as you seek God’s personal direction for your life in each of these areas. Remember – He cares more about this area of your life than even you do, and He is very interested in giving you guidance and direction whenever you ask! The answer to any question can be summed up in Jesus’ words, “Seek first My Kingdom, and all these things will be added unto you.” If you are confused about any area of your life, remember to put Jesus Christ first. That’s when things start falling into place and life begins to work just as He intended it to!
Q: What kind of physical touch is appropriate in a pre-marriage relationship?
Let’s take our cue from the Song of Solomon. Entering into physical intimacy with another person, in God’s pattern, is an act reserved for the holy of holies alone; a sacred expression of marriage covenant. Intimate kissing, embracing, and caressing – in Scripture all of those expressions of love are expressions of True Sex. In God’s pattern, it is not just the technical act of sex that defines sexual intimacy – it is every physically intimate expression leading up to it as well.
While pastors, leaders, and youth groups obsess over the “how far is too far?” question, God wants us to be asking a completely different question, “how far can I possibly go to please Jesus Christ in this area of my life?”
It all comes back to selflessness. If we are willing to take radical steps in order to selflessly love and protect our relationship with Christ and our future spouse, then we will experience the greatest fulfillment of all in our sexual relationship in marriage. If, on the other hand, we approach this area selfishly, always seeking to gratify our fleshly wants in the here and now, we will miss out on the glorious pattern of True Sex – even if we happen to be a technical virgin on our wedding day.
One of the rules of thumb that Eric and I used during our relationship was this: “When in doubt, err on the side of caution.” We followed that wisdom when it came to kissing, intimate hugging, and every other kind of sacred touch – deciding to protect and preserve the purity of our relationship by saving everything for our wedding night. We found that it was not a drudgery that made our relationship miserable. Rather, it protected the sacredness of our relationship. It was a beautiful aspect of our love story. As mentioned before, my dad had told us that anything we saved in our physical relationship prior to marriage would only be more beautiful after our wedding day. So it became a fun challenge for us to save everything in order to experience the beauty he had described. And we do not regret that decision for even a moment.
One of the best things that this kind of physical purity did for our love story was that it kept Jesus Christ in the driver’s seat – rather than allowing our own human emotion and passion to lead the way. We discovered that intimacy, in God’s design, is built in three layers: spiritual, emotional, and then physical in marriage. Spiritual intimacy is built through learning to love each other with the very love of Jesus Christ; a love that is not based on circumstance or emotion, but a sacrificial, lifelong devotion no matter what happens. Spiritual intimacy keeps Jesus Christ and His nature at the very core of the relationship – so that no matter how emotions and physical passions might go up and down, the foundation of the romance will never change. When we try to add emotional and physical intimacy to a relationship without cultivating spiritual oneness first, we quickly become swept away by the power of human feeling and passion, and the relationship is built on shaky ground.
Eric and I wanted to keep our focus on Christ and grow together spiritually, rather than be on a constant roller coaster ride of emotion and physical passion. When we were together, we spent time studying God’s Word, reading books about historical Christianity, serving in our church and on short-term missions trips, and allowing God to build a common vision between us. We knew from past experience that whenever a relationship focused on our emotions and/or physical desires for the other person, things quickly digressed, and we found that the relationship had become all about us instead of all about Christ.
Just as sex, in its very essence is sacred, God designed all emotional and physical expression to be kept sacred as well. Eric and I savored every part of our love story – nothing was casually offered. The first time we spoke the words, “I love you” to each other was on our engagement night, just after he asked me to marry him. Because we saved those words for God’s sacred moment, they have never become rote to us. And the same is true for all forms of physical expression to each other – because we saved everything and kept it for God’s choreographed sacred moments, nothing about our physical relationship has become dull, even after twelve years of marriage!
There is another important aspect to the area of physical touch before marriage that often goes overlooked. Eric calls it “the mantle of authority.” As an unmarried woman, I was under the covering, protection, and authority of my parents, and especially my dad. It wasn’t Eric’s “right” to treat me, or my body, as if I already belonged to him.
In our book Teaching True Love, Eric writes about the moment when his eyes were opened to this all-important truth, during a conversation with my dad at Perkins Family Restaurant:
Do you know the reason,” Rich asked me, “that I’m confident your relationship with my daughter is pure?”
I swallowed hard, and squeaked out the words, “Uh, how?”
“Because,” he said with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, “if it wasn’t pure . . . God would tell me.”
God would tell him? My mind was struck dumb with a holy fear.
It was the first time in my life that I recognized the power and reach of parenting. Growing up in the public schools and being separated out into peer clusters, I had begun to interpret life outside the grid of family. My friends and I had always acted as if we didn’t even have families whenever we were at school. I had always seen young people in my life as lone-rangers, rather than lives that belonged to family spheres – children under their parent’s authority structure.
But through Rich’s statement, a whole new world opened up to me. I suddenly recognized that Leslie wasn’t just a lone and independent individual. She was a life under authority. She was her dad’s princess. God had anointed, appointed, and commissioned Rich to protect his daughter, to provide for her physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Leslie was his treasure – his sacred trust.
Rich was, in essence, saying, “Eric, if you ever tried to go around me, if you tried to access Leslie’s heart without honoring my position in her life…I would know.”
I realized with startling clarity that it was my responsibility to honor that sacred trust over Leslie’s life – to respect Rich’s God-given position in every way.
On our wedding day, the “mantle of authority” over my life passed from my dad to Eric. But prior to that exchange, it was Eric’s sacred duty to honor and respect my purity in every way, living under the reality that I belonged to my parents, and not yet to him. In other words, until we entered in to a covenant relationship, we did not belong to each other.
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Cor 7:4 KJV) Notice that God is specific – it is a husband and wife – in holy marriage covenant – whose bodies belong to each other…not simply two people who happen to be in love!
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Gen 2:24 KJV)
Not everyone is blessed with parents who understand the important position of protection and authority they hold over their children’s lives. (Though often if you simply invite them to step into that role, they will gladly rise to the challenge.) But no matter what your parental situation, if you will honor God’s perfect pattern of authority until you have entered into a holy covenant relationship, you will be supremely blessed!
There is no magic formula that we can offer to answer the question of how much physical touch before marriage is okay. But here are some basic questions that can help guide you into God’s perfect pattern:
-How far can we possibly go to please God in this area?
-How can we keep emotional and physical expressions sacred?
-How can we protect the purity of our upcoming marriage covenant?
-How can we honor the “mantle of authority” God has placed over our lives?
(Hint: Before we were married, Eric used to picture my dad being in the room with us at all times. If any word or touch would make my dad feel uncomfortable – or make us feel embarrassed to have my dad see it – then we knew it was not appropriate.)
-How can we make our physical relationship even more beautiful after marriage?
-How can we approach this area with selflessness, rather than selfishness?
-How can we listen to God’s Spirit rather than the voice of our flesh?
If you take these questions before God with a yielded heart and mind, He will guide and direct you in the most glorious, amazing way. You will never regret a decision to live for His glory rather than your own gratification.
Q: What are healthy physical and emotional boundaries for guy/girl friendships?
During Eric’s single years, he lived by something that he referred to as the “the two eyeball principle.” (I should add here that I think this phrase as unromantic and awkward sounding as a foghorn, but it’s too late to change it now!)
The two eyeball principle was based on a something that God taught Eric in college, when he realized how differently he would act around girls if his future wife could see his words and actions. He began to live as if his future wife was watching him interact with the opposite sex at all times – as if her “two eyeballs” were upon him. (Why it couldn’t just be her “two eyes” that were upon him, I have yet to receive a good explanation for!)
Eric began to ask himself the question, “if my future wife could see me now, how would she feel about what I am doing or saying? Would she feel honored? Would she feel protected? Or would she feel hurt and jealous?” Those simple questions began to revolutionize Eric’s interaction with girls. He decided that someday, at his wedding, he wanted all the girls who had known him during his single years to come up to his future wife and say, “Eric has always honored and respected you – even before you were in his life.”
There are many issues that arise in guy-girl friendships. Should I hug him? Is it okay to pray together? How much should I share with him? How do I cultivate the friendship without giving her the wrong idea? One of the best things you can do when any of these issues arise is to apply the “two eyeball” principle – but feel free to call it something else if you want! What if your future spouse could see you interacting with this friend? Would your thoughts, motives, words, or actions make him or her feel threatened? Or would your actions cause your future spouse to feel honored and cherished? If you answer this question honestly, it will bring clarity to almost every confusing issue that arises in guy/girl friendshipsBe careful that you don’t merely ask, “how much can I get away with?” but “how far can I possibly go to show the utmost honor, sensitivity, and respect to my spouse, even before he or she is in my life?” It is not when Eric merely “covers the basics” in our marriage, (not flirting with other women, etc) that I feel honored and truly loved by him. It is when he goes out of his way, above and beyond the call of duty, to express his devotion to me that I feel valued and cherished; like when he writes me an unexpected love note, or when he buys my favorite snack (Panda Licorice) at the store without being asked. The same is true with the “two eyeball principle”.
If you merely think, “What’s the bare minimum I need to do so that I don’t offend my future spouse?” you are missing the whole point. You are back to selfishly wondering how much you can get away with, rather than selflessly laying down your life in sacrificial devotion to your spouse. Be willing to take radical steps in order to selflessly honor your future spouse – even if it means that you aren’t as free as you would like to be in your friendships with the opposite sex.
Quite a few young women have expressed frustration to me about the “politics of guy friendships”, wishing that they could simply shrug off all concern and enjoy the same closeness with their guy-friends and they share with their female friends. But even though you might feel a close connection with a guy friend, it’s important to stay guarded in both your thoughts and your actions toward him. It is all too easy, especially for girls, to begin giving away the kind of intimacy and affection that is meant to be saved for your future spouse. It’s more than possible to enjoy close guy friendships without violating the sacredness of your future marriage relationship – but it doesn’t happen by accident. It takes prayer, focus and help from the Spirit of God. Ask the Spirit of God to be your guide – if you submit your every thought, action, and conversation to Him, He will guide and direct you; offering caution when it is needed and giving you freedom when it is needed.
Before my relationship with Eric ever began, I developed close friendships with several godly young men. Up til then, most of my interaction with the opposite sex had been flirtatious, teasing, and based on physical attraction, the challenge of getting a guy’s attention, or the hope of a romantic fling developing. But once I gave God the “pen” of my love story, I made a decision not to pursue guys in that way, and to put a stop to the flirtatious relationships I had become so used to. I wasn’t sure how to have a healthy, Christ-focused friendship with a guy. I prayed that God would show me His pattern. I found that the first step was entering into friendships with like-minded young men; young men who were not primarily focused on the opposite sex, but on Jesus Christ. I hadn’t met many young men that fell into that category, but as I prayed about it, God began to bring a small handful of them into my life. Instead of teasing, joking, and flirting when we were together, we spent time encouraging each other spiritually and discoursing about God’s Word. They truly became like brothers to me, pointing me continually toward Christ and not toward themselves.
And yet, as precious as the friendships were to me, there were certain boundaries that I was always careful about. I wanted more than anything to honor my future husband in these relationships. So I asked God to direct me as I related to these young men. He showed me different ways that I could be sensitive to my future husband. I was careful about physical touch with my guy friends – a friendly, quick side hug was one thing, but I felt that front hugs invited potential stumbling. (An interjection: if you are an extremely physical, touchy-feely type of girl…you may need to make a conscious effort to hold back when you interact physically with your guy friends! Eric and I have seen far too many guys caused to stumble by an innocent young woman who thought she was merely expressing friendship through her hugs and touches. Just because you “don’t mean anything by it” doesn’t mean that it’s appropriate!)
I was also careful about how much of my intimate life I shared with my guy friends – I would talk to them about what God was teaching me, but hold back on getting too personal in my sharing. I found that praying together with my guy friends was a great way to keep our focus on Christ. But even a shared time of prayer can be a form of emotional manipulation toward the opposite sex. And so I was careful, if I found myself in such a situation, not to pray about extremely deep or private issues when I was with my guy friends. None of this dampened the delight and enjoyment that I found in these guy friendships, and it gave me the assurance that my future husband was being honored and respected in the process.
In reality, a guy/girl friendship – especially one that is not headed toward marriage – is not meant to become as intimate and close as other friendships, no matter what kind of “connection” you may feel. Once God brings your future spouse into your life, your one-on-one friendships with the opposite sex will need to diminish, being replaced by “couple friendships” instead. And it is far less painful to make that transition when deep, personal, intimate friendship bonds have not been forged.
If there is a possibility in your mind that a friendship with a member of the opposite sex might end up as something more, it is still wise to be careful until you know for sure. God is perfectly capable of nudging a relationship forward in His own time and way. But in the meantime, the best thing you can do is to live as if your heart, mind, and body still belong to someone else.
Some Guidelines for Keeping Sacred things Sacred:
God’s perfect pattern for guarding sacred things in a human life is perfectly demonstrated in His amazing design for His holy temple in the Old Testament,” she told me, smiling with childlike delight. “Most people don’t think that all those scriptures about the temple design have anything to do with our lives today. But, as it says in 1 Corinthians 6:19, those that belong to Christ are the temple of the Living God – and that they are to honor God with their body, His temple.
The Hebrew Temple was divided into three degrees of Sacredness. The Outer Court was sacred, but it wasn’t as sacred as the Holy Place. And whereas the Holy Place was sacred, it was not as sacred as the Holy of Holies.
The Holy of holies – This must never be shared or made open to the public, even to those of your most intimate circle. In the Old Testament God separated this portion of the temple from even his most trusted workers by a thick curtain. The Holy of holies represents the most intimate and precious areas of the human soul and body. And this supremely sacred arena of the human life is preserved for God alone and able to be shared with a spouse under the parameters of holy marriage covenant. The Holy of holies includes such sacred things as sexual expression, sexual touch, sexual body parts, and the deepest, most personal dimensions of the heart and mind.
The Holy Place – Like the Holy of holies, this domain of the human life must not be shared with the public. However, it is accessible to more than just God and a spouse. Those of the most trustworthy character are allowed to share in this sacred arena. Family and intimate friendships can be allowed in to this holy sector if they first prove honorable and upright. The Holy Place includes such sacred things deeply personal expression (non-sexual), deeply personal touch (non-sexual), dimensions of the heart and mind containing highly sensitive and sacred matter (i.e. hurts, vulnerabilities, fears, weaknesses, dreams, desires, longings). NOTE: The Holy Place should only be entered with an unrelated member of the opposite sex when you are in a serious relationship, led by God, headed toward marriage. When this holy place is entered carelessly or casually with members of the opposite sex, you can easily begin to give away affection, attention, and emotion meant only for your future spouse, and leave each other open for serious hurt and misunderstanding.
The Outer Court – Like the Holy Place, this sacred arena of the human life is open to more than just a spouse in marriage, and whereas its stipulations are not quite as strict as the Holy Place, the sacred things in its domain still deserve a heightened level of guardedness and special protection. The Outer Court includes such sacred things as friendly touch, words of specific encouragement, character endorsements, intercessory prayer; friendships with believers; the teaching and discussing of doctrine, and communion. NOTE: Whereas these may not seem like sacred things to many, they are, and they deserve an attitude of honor and guardedness. These things should not be given to those who appraise not their correct value and importance. These are activities that can be cautiously engaged in with members of the opposite sex; but be sure that you are led by God’s Spirit and not moved by selfish ulterior motives – keeping the honor and protection of your future spouse always in the forefront of your mind.
For now have I chosen and sanctified this house, that my name may be there forever: and mine eyes and mine heart shall be there perpetually (2 Chron 2 – God speaking of His temple).
Again, there is no easy, pat answer to the question of physical and emotional boundaries among guy/girl friends. But if you allow your mind and body to become the temple of the living God and to express His sacred pattern through your life, the natural outflow will be honoring your future spouse, and protecting your future marriage relationship.
Q: Should men be the initiators in a relationship?
I have yet to meet a woman who is longing for a weak, wimpy, insecure man who never takes the lead or makes decisions. One of the biggest cries of young unmarried women today is “where are all the men?” Instead of strong, confident leaders who reflect the manhood of Mr. Marvelous, they see insecure followers; guys who don’t seem to have a backbone and don’t seem to even know how to pursue a woman’s heart. Unfortunately, women aren’t helping the problem.
When a woman tries to take a man’s role in a relationship, she robs him of his masculine strength. Sure, he may at first appear to like it when a woman pursues him. After all, it saves him the insecurity of sticking his neck out or having to go to all the effort of carefully winning her heart. He may be temporarily flattered by her aggression toward him, but in the end, he will lose respect for both her and his own masculinity. Instead of becoming her protector and leader, he will become lazy and lackluster expecting her to do all the work in the relationship.
On the flip side, if a woman allows a man to rise to the challenge of pursuing her, wooing her, and winning her heart over time, instead of thrusting it upon him too readily – his masculine strength will be tested and strengthened. Once he has pursued and won his prize according to God’s perfect pattern, he is far less likely to take her for granted. Rather, he will become the heroic protector he was created to be – laying down his life to preserve and nurture the heart of the princess that he worked so hard to win.
A strong, confident, heroic man who rises to the challenge of winning a woman’s heart, then carefully protects and preserves his hard-won prize . . . this is the ultimate romantic desire of nearly every woman I have ever talked to. And yet, ironically, all too many women are actually robbing men of these very qualities, simply by their own impatience. They are in such a hurry to snag a man that they don’t wait for him to initiate – they take the lead, become the pursuer instead of the pursued, and in so doing, strip their man of all the strong masculine qualities they so desire him to have.
I struggled with this problem greatly during my single years. Growing up, my parents exhorted me over and over again that men were more attracted to women who allowed the guy to take the lead – but to me it seemed that the super-aggressive girls were the ones to get all the male attention. I wondered, If I wait for a guy to pursue me, how can I be sure that anyone ever will? Isn’t this idea of men needing to be the initiator an out-dated concept anyway?
Even in my blossoming friendship with Eric, this question plagued me. As our friendship progressed, it seemed obvious that something more was beginning to develop between us – and yet, he did not initiate a conversation about it. So I waited. I prayed. I came close so many times to initiating a conversation about where the friendship was going. But God’s Spirit continued to hold me back.
Finally, when the time was right, Eric took the lead. And one of the first things that he said to me was how much it meant to him that I had allowed him to be the one to initiate a conversation about our relationship. “You respected my position as a man,” he told me, “and not many girls today would do that.”
Even when Eric expressed feelings for me that went beyond friendship, I felt God caution me not to offer my heart to him too readily or quickly. With His gentle and faithful direction, I opened my heart to Eric slowly, gradually, as he proved by his honor, respect and integrity that he was worthy of such a gift. He did not respond to my hesitation with impatience or disgust. Rather, he rose to the challenge and seemed to respect me all the more as I protected and guarded my feminine mystique. And as a result, I felt like a princess being pursued by a gallant prince.
That’s when I realized that we can only experience the absolute beauty, sacredness, and perfection of God’s perfect pattern for romance when we fulfill the masculine and feminine roles He created for us.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from married women is that the husband doesn’t take a leadership position in the marriage – which often leads to a lot of fruitless nagging and criticizing on the wife’s part. Quite often, the problem in these marriages emerged long before the wedding day - at the very beginning of the relationship. The woman took the lead, became the initiator and inadvertently stepped into the role that God designed the man to be in. Then, the unhealthy pattern was carried into the marriage relationship, setting the stage for frustration and disillusionment.
Girls, if you desire your future husband to be a strong, confident leader in the relationship, then let the relationship begin according to God’s pattern. Allow the man to be the initiator, the leader, and the pursuer. And guys, it may be more work for you to step into the role that God designed you for, but if you are willing to rise to the challenge, you will be amazed at how your masculine strength will soar. Don’t just settle for the “easy” girl who throws her heart at you without a fight. Set your sights on the girl who is guarding and protecting her feminine mystique. Yes, it will be more effort to win her heart – but a hard-won prize is infinitely more valuable than something casually offered and easily gained.
One of my good friends, Natalie, had a close guy friend, Jason, whom she respected and admired very much. They seemed to share a connection that went beyond mere friendship, and Natalie was unable to shake the strong feeling that this man could be God’s intended future husband for her. But years went by, and still Jason did not initiate anything more than friendship. At times he seemed interested in something more, but he never made any move in that direction.
“Why shouldn’t I just initiate a conversation with him about how I feel?” she wondered many times. “What’s so wrong with just being open and honest about what I think God might be doing between us?” But after much prayer, she decided that she would leave it in God’s hands. “If God wants us to be together, He is perfectly capable of prompting Jason to take the lead.”
Finally, after Natalie had all but given up on the hope of a relationship ever happening, Jason approached her. He told her that he felt God leading him to pursue a romantic relationship with her, and he expressed his gratitude that she had waited patiently for him to take the lead. He began to pursue her heart, and when he had fully won it, he cherished it with everything in him. It became a beautiful, sacred, God-glorifying relationship. And it started with true Femininity allowing true Masculinity to shine.
“If I had rushed ahead with my own agenda,” she told me later, “I would have missed out on the greatest gift that God had for me. I allowed Jason to be the man in our relationship. And now, he treats me like a princess – he stands up for me, protects me, and honors me in every way. I am so glad I followed God’s pattern!”
God’s ways can often seem old-fashioned in our modern mode of thinking. But His pattern never becomes outdated and His ways never go out of style. God’s pattern restores the long lost art of masculine nobility and feminine dignity – returning us to the days of gallant lords and fair maidens. Every guy wants to be a heroic prince; every girl wants to be a beautiful princess. Following God’s design for Marvelous Manhood and True Femininity is what sets the stage for those seemingly impossible dreams to actually come true. If finding our deepest romantic longings fulfilled is what comes of following God’s design – then I think we need more of His amazing “old fashioned” ways!
Q: What does God think about flirting?
In modern relationships, flirting seems about as innocent and harmless as window shopping at the mall. “What’s the harm of browsing, as long as you don’t actually buy anything?” a young man named Chris jokingly asked us during a discussion on the topic.
Even young people who have chosen God’s pattern for relationships and are seeking to live a set-apart life for their future spouse often shrug-off flirting as a natural part of any male/female interaction. But take a closer look at what flirting really is, and it becomes clear that some important principles in God’s pattern are violated by doing it.
Flirting is, in essence, drawing another person’s attention toward you. It is using your masculine or feminine power to entice another person to notice, admire, and be attracted to you. It is putting your personality, body, humor, and wit on display – playing a game in which you score more points the more positive attention you receive from the other person.
Flirting, at its core, is based in selfishness.
If Eric flirted with other women, I would be hurt, jealous and angry. If I flirted with other men, he would feel outraged and betrayed. We are in a covenant marriage relationship, and have pledged to have eyes only for each other. I belong to Eric – mind, body, and heart. And he belongs to me. We honor each other by keeping our attentions sacred – reserved for our spouse alone. Most would agree that this is the way it should be.
If then, as a married person you would not dishonor or hurt your spouse by flirting with anyone else – why would you hurt your future spouse now by flirting with others before marriage? If you have chosen to set your life aside for the person you will one day marry, then the “two-eyeball” principle must be applied stringently when it comes to flirting. If your future spouse was standing beside you, seeing you interact with the opposite sex, how would he or she feel? Once you ask that question and answer honestly, flirting no longer becomes a harmless, innocent activity.
There is another aspect of flirting that violates God’s perfect pattern. When two people are in a relationship with God at the center, they always seek to draw the other person closer to Him, not to each other. Whether before or after marriage, a God-scripted love story is one in which each person is seeking to point the other toward Christ – not merely toward themselves.
In my past, I was in plenty of shallow, selfish, temporary relationships that were based around trying to impress each the other person. But my relationship with Eric was completely different. Even from the time we were new friends, it was Eric’s goal to point me toward Jesus Christ and not draw me to himself. As a result, after spending time with him, my thoughts were on Christ and my desire was to know Jesus more.
As our relationship progressed, this pattern only continued. Instead of playing with my emotions and drawing my affections toward himself, Eric constantly spoke of Christ, exhorted me toward Christ and displayed the unselfish nature of Christ. And when Eric eventually sat down with my dad to talk about the relationship, my dad said these words: “The reason that I know that your friendship with my daughter is from God is because ever since you have been in her life, she has drawn closer to Jesus Christ.” It became the foundation for our entire love story and marriage relationship – instead of drawing Eric to myself, my goal is to draw him more to Christ – and vise versa. And ironically, as we point each other closer to Christ, we naturally draw closer to each other.
Eric expounded upon this principle in our book, A Perfect Wedding:
When John the Baptist said the words, “He (Jesus) must increase, but I must decrease,” (John 3:30) he was using terminology that a Jew would understand in the context of a wedding covenant.
Most of us read about John the Baptist in the Bible, find his story interesting, but then move on through the text, never realizing the amazing applicability of his example to our marriages. John the Baptist is one of the most profound pictures of what God designed marriage to be. God asks each of us, as a spouse, to be a “Friend of the Bridegroom” – to be a “forerunner” in our spouse’s life to prepare the way for them to understand and apprehend Christ in all His fullness and glory.
Contrary to our typical way of thinking, marriage isn’t about two people in love vowing to live in faithfulness til death parts them. Marriage is about two people serving each other, preparing each other for a Heavenly spouse, the ultimate Bridegroom, Jesus Christ.
Marriage is a constant choice to decrease so that Christ may increase in your spouse’s life. Long and short, marriage is about Christ, more and more and more of Christ every day for an entire life long. When both spouses choose to befriend the Heavenly Bridegroom, the natural result is a romantic and poetic love for all time.
When it comes to interaction with the opposite sex, our goal should be to put God’s perfect pattern in place; to lay the foundation even now for a truly Christ-centered love story. In every friendship or relationship, if we constantly say, “I must decrease, so that Christ would increase”, not only will we protect the sacredness of our love story, we will become shining examples of Christ’s kingdom to this world around us. The Christian life is not all about us – it is all about Him!
If you aren’t exactly sure where the line is between flirting and friendliness – ask God’s Spirit to guide and direct you as you interact with the opposite sex. Allow Him to search your heart and motives, and reveal any selfish behavior pattern – no matter how small – that you have allowed to creep into your life. When in doubt, err on the side of caution. Remember, it’s not about asking “where is the line?” but “how far can I possibly go to honor God and my future spouse in this area of my life?”
In this day and age of the relationship rat race, giving up flirting can cause feelings of doubt and insecurity – as if the opposite sex won’t ever notice you unless you are out there “playing the game”. Allow God to prove Himself faithful. He is perfectly capable of bringing a love story into your life in His own perfect time and way – without selfish manipulation on your part. And a love story initiated and developed by the Author of romance is far more fulfilling than one that you manipulated on your own.
Q: How does God feel about homosexuality? Are some people born that way?
Eric and I realize that this is a very sensitive issue in today’s world. In my parent’s generation, calling someone a homosexual was an insult. But by the time I got to high school, this alternative “lifestyle choice” was applauded and respected. We were expected to nod approvingly and say “Good for you,” whenever someone announced his or her homosexuality. Acting even slightly uncomfortable around a gay person immediately put us into the camp of the old-fashioned, pompous bigots who needed to get a serious clue. We were told heart-rending true stories of little boys who were strangely drawn to dolls and make-up instead of trucks and dirt bikes; always feeling so different from the other boys, but never knowing why until finally they embraced their true sexual identity – and we heard similar stories about little girls.
It is tempting, as a present-day Christian, to try to adapt the Word of God to fit into our modern culture. Many Christian writers and leaders are doing this very thing when it comes to homosexuality. They’ve heard religious leaders speak about homosexuals in a harsh, condemning way, devoid of the love and nature of Christ. So they have swung in the opposite direction, overlooking the fact that in God’s eyes, homosexuality is a sin:
For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due. (Romans 1:26-27 KJV)
God designed Great Sex to be between a man and a woman – as an outflow of holy marriage covenant. And as we mentioned earlier – we can never improve upon God’s perfect design for sex; all we can do is warp and twist it. Homosexuality is a perversion of God’s perfect pattern for true Sex – and despite the fact that it is a “white-washed” issue in our modern times, we must treat it as nothing less. It is in fact, a direct violation against every member of the League of Great Sex. It degrades sex and ignores the sacredness of the holy marriage covenant God designed between a man and woman. It destroys the pure, perfect, untainted design for Great Sex that God intended. And it violates the very essence of True Masculinity and True Femininity.
But some people can’t help it! This is a popular sentiment among our generation. Why would God judge someone for something they are born with? The culture has lied to us, causing many of us to believe that this warping of God’s perfect pattern is a natural condition that some people can’t help.
So why does homosexuality seem to “surface” so often in childhood and paint the image that some people are just helpless victims to this lifestyle? Part of modern culture’s agenda is to promote and push the concept of homosexuality – just as they promote and push all other forms of sexual perversions. The media and the education system goes out of its way to send children the message that homosexuality is not only okay, but that ‘being different’ in this area is a great way to be applauded and approved by everyone. Add to that the fact that countless children are exposed to sexual perversions and abuses of all kinds in their family relationships, which makes them vulnerable to a warped and twisted view of their own sexuality. And last but not least, the enemy is hard at work in the lives of today’s kids, whispering deception into their ears and working to destroy their future. It’s no wonder that so many young people are falling prey to all kinds of sexual confusion – be it homosexual or otherwise.
Sure, it might sound sweeter and more sensitive to say “that’s just the way they were born”. But that is not what God’s word says. His heart breaks for young children who have a twisted view of their own sexuality – be it homosexual or otherwise. He desires to set them free from their fog, deliver them from the lies of the enemy, and teach them His perfect pattern for Great Sex…a pattern that takes place between men and women.
If you have friends in your life who have chosen homosexuality – I would encourage you to love, honor and respect them just as you would any other friend with any kind of sinful addiction. And yet, don’t fall into the cultural trap of feeling that you must applaud and approve their choices in order to sidestep the “narrow minded” label. Don’t overlook what God’s Word says in order to make Christianity more culturally relevant. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. It is we who must come into alignment with His nature; not the other way around.
If you yourself have struggled with homosexuality, God desires to deliver you. Now is the time to ask His forgiveness, and by the power of His grace repent, turn and walk in the other direction. If this has been an ongoing battle in your life, consider working with a Biblically-solid pastor or Biblical counselor. And remember that the power of God is stronger than any foothold the enemy has gained in your life in this area, and that His plans for you are beautiful, fulfilling, and beyond anything you could dream or imagine! His ways are perfect.
Q: How does God feel about self-sex (a.k.a masturbation)?
As we discussed earlier, sex, in God’s perfect design, should stem from selfless devotion to another, not self-focused gratification of our own desires. The same principle applies here. Besides being an ugly, unpoetic word, “masturbation” is a self-focused attempt to gratify our own fleshly wants. At the very core of this act is selfishness, which goes against the nature of Christ and of God’s perfect pattern for Great Sex.
What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. (1 Cor 6:19-20 KJV)
When we surrender our existence to Jesus Christ and claim Him as Lord, our body does not belong to us anymore. It is the domain of His Holy Spirit. And everything we do with our body is to bring honor to Him, not to gratify our own desires. We now serve Him, not ourselves. It is no longer our “right” to obey the voice of our flesh, acting for our own selfish pleasure. Rather, we are to be at His beck and call, continually asking the question, ‘how can I honor and please You, Lord, in every moment of every day?’ Even in the smallest aspects of our life, even in our most private moments, all is to be done for the glory of God, not the pleasure of our flesh.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31 KJV) We are asked to demonstrate God’s glory (to honor and exalt Him) in everything we do – down to the smallest detail of our lives. Can you glorify God while masturbating? No! You are only glorifying and gratifying your own fleshly wants. Self-stimulation takes the beautiful gift of sexual pleasure and cheapens it into a shameful, secretive, animalistic impulse. It is devoid of the dignity, nobility, and divine romance that God intended.
For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. (Romans 8:13 KJV) The “deeds” of the body means the selfish demands of our flesh for pleasure and gratification. Masturbation is a prime example of a selfish, fleshly demand of our body. God asks us to “mortify” those things, which literally means to “embalm” them, as in preparing a dead body for burial – in other words, put the deeds and desires of the flesh to death and make sure they stay dead.
In modern times, many of us have bought into the lie that frequent sexual release is a natural “need” of the body. We’ve come to believe that if we are not having sex, we at least have the right to gain release through self-stimulation. But God created only one context for sexual release – as an outflow of physical intimacy in holy marriage covenant. Anything outside of that is unhealthy and unnatural.
Yes, our sexual longings – the voice of our flesh - can be powerful and intense. But God’s Spirit within us is far stronger. He will grant us the grace, the supernatural, enabling power, to honor Him with our body for as long as He has called us to a season of singleness.
But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. (1 Corinthians 9:27 KJV)
Rather than allowing our physical body to rule us, God asks us to bring our body under subjection to His Spirit – we are not to be slaves to the wants of our body; we are to be slaves to His rulership over our lives. We are not to yield to the cries of our flesh, but to the call of our true Master, Jesus Christ. True, this is no easy task. But that is why we have the power of the God of the universe at our disposal!
Q: What if my parents aren’t supportive of my relationship?
Whether we like it or not, God placed parents in a very important role of authority over our life. They are anointed by Heaven to protect, provide for, and nurture us physically, emotionally and physically. Even when we become independent and grown up, our parents still have a spiritual “sixth sense” for our lives; often seeing things that we ourselves cannot see. If your parents are not supportive of a decision in your life – be it a relationship or otherwise – you would be wise to take their concern seriously. Parents (and others who are in spiritual authority over our lives) can serve as rear-view and side-view mirrors for us. They can see the dangers that we, in the driver’s seat, might miss without their input.
When parents seem to be unreasonable and overprotective, our first instinct is to pull away and make our own decisions, keeping them at arm’s length from the important areas of our lives. But often their unreasonable statements and overprotective attitude simply stems from the fact that they feel left out – they are merely grasping for the position that God meant them to have; as wise counselors and teammates in the life of their children. If you will invite them to participate as teammates in your life – especially in the area of relationships – you will likely find that they will become far less “concerned” and far more supportive, simply because their position in your life has been honored and respected. I found this to be true in my own love story with Eric.
Though I never would have been excited about the idea of having my parents involved in my love story – it turned out to be one of the most beautiful aspects of my relationship with Eric. As I invited my parents to pray for me and share their wisdom with me, they truly became teammates – not just figures of authority. They deeply desired the best for this area of my life, and I found that they were not overbearing or overprotective – they simply offered wise counsel and advice, and served as a wonderful sounding board whenever I needed to process things that were happening.
Eric honored my dad’s position by receiving his blessing before the relationship even began. And every few weeks he and my dad would meet together to talk about the relationship, and discuss ways that Eric could be more sensitive toward me. As I have said in our other books, what woman wouldn’t feel like a princess with the two most important men in her life getting together on a regular basis to talk about how they can be sensitive to her?
Honoring my parents in our relationship brought security, stability and even romance – and even to this day our parents are among our best friends.
Of course, not all parents can serve this role – those that are not walking with God may be incapable of becoming wise spiritual counselors and prayer partners. But even then, as much as you can honor and respect their position in your life – you should do so. As we honor our parents, God honors us. If your parents are not walking with God and you feel that you need stronger spiritual teammates, pray that He would bring other people into your life that can fill that position – whether it be a pastor, Biblical counselor, or respected Christian friend. It’s a prayer that He loves to answer. Navigating your way through the confusing waters of relationship-building is far smoother with teammates to help guide you.
If you find that, even after inviting your parents to be on your team, that they are still not on board about a relationship that you are in, or one you are thinking about pursuing, here is what Eric and I would suggest:
1. Talk it out: Sit down with your parents for a long period time, when you won’t be interrupted, and really listen to their concerns. Don’t use this time for explaining your point of view or becoming defensive, simply seek to understand the reasons behind their hesitation. Listen to their words with an open heart and mind, allowing God to show you anything that He might want to speak to you through what they have to say.
2. Take it to God: Take some time away from the relationship and simply pray. Pray for God’s perspective and wisdom. (If you feel that the relationship is one that you cannot step away from, even for a season, then that’s probably a sign that it has an unhealthy position in your life anyway. God is perfectly capable of holding a relationship together during a time of separation, if that is His desire for your life.) God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Pray that if this relationship is His will for your life, that He would change your parent’s heart. Pray that if He does not desire the relationship – He will give you complete peace about walking away. Allow God to speak, rather than simply rushing ahead with your own agenda and desires.
God is a big God. Trust Him to work supernaturally through the teammates He has placed in your life to guide and direct your path.
Of course, sometimes parents can take the pen out of God’s hands and try to manipulate their child’s life out of their own selfishness, pride or fear. If you sense that this is what is happening in your situation, give God a chance to change their heart. And if He does not, then simply make the best decision you know how to make before God. If you truly desire His guidance and direction, He will not allow you to miss it. But be sure that the motive of your heart is to glorify and honor Him, even above your own desires.
Q: What if I’ve already given everything away?
Many of us struggle with receiving the forgiveness of Christ. The enemy of our soul whispers viciously in our ear, telling us that we are unworthy, that our past is too marred, that our soul is too dirty to ever be washed clean. Well…we are unworthy. Our soul is dirty. True repentance starts by acknowledging that fact. We are defiled and tainted. We are utterly unfit to bear His holy name. But it’s not about our worthiness. It’s about His.
In fact, it is only when we embrace our own unworthiness that we understand true repentance. When we know how great our debt is, we understand the gravity and wonder of what He has done for us. And we love Him with unreserved devotion and gratitude. Just look at this powerful story about a woman who had much to be forgiven.
And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil.
Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he spoke to himself, saying, "This Man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what manner of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner."
And Jesus answered and said to him, "Simon, I have something to say to you."
So he said, "Teacher, say it."
"There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?"
Simon answered and said, "I suppose the one whom he forgave more."
And He said to him, "You have rightly judged." Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little."
Then He said to her, "Your sins are forgiven…your faith has saved you. Go in peace." (Luke 7:37-50)
Simon the Pharisee didn’t feel he really needed a Savior. He treated Christ as a casual buddy, hoping perhaps to glean some interesting insight or personal benefit from being around Him. That’s the way many of us approach Christ today. But that’s not true repentance.
The sinful woman knew that Jesus Christ was her only hope. She had come face to face with the ugliness and horror of her defilement. She had accepted her utter unworthiness. And because of this, she could truly receive the mercy and forgiveness of her Lord. She threw herself at His feet in unreserved devotion and gratitude. That is true repentance.
Often we think of coming to Christ as a decision to “accept Him”; to mentally acknowledge that He died, rose again, ascended into Heaven and will return someday to take us to Heaven. But repentance isn’t merely the choice to “accept” Him and acknowledge those facts. Rather, it’s falling at the feet of Jesus, just like the sinful woman, fully aware that He is our only hope. It’s crying out to Him from the depths of our soul, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner!”
When we have been forgiven much, we love Him much. Don’t shy away from your feelings of unworthiness. Acknowledge the ugliness of your condition, the awfulness of your sin. Then, embrace the awesome sacrifice He made on your behalf. To doubt His ability to forgive you is to question whether His sacrifice was really enough, whether He truly paid the penalty for your sin once and for all.
We only need to read the Gospels to be assured that He did pay the price for our sin – once and for all. Let us not cheapen His amazing sacrifice by questioning whether His work on the cross was truly enough. We are either ignorant or arrogant if we believe that Christ’s death was not enough to cover our sin. At the moment Christ gave up His life for us, He proclaimed, “It is accomplished.” (ref?) The price had been paid. The power of sin had been conquered. It was done. It was final. It was absolute. He left no room for us to question it.
Don’t try to add to His sacrifice by improving yourself before you fall at His feet in repentance. Simply come to Him, in all of your sin and weakness, let Him wash you clean, and make you completely new. As Eric and I can testify, having a beautiful, God-scripted story is not just something for the perfect and pious, but for those of us who have failed and been redeemed and renewed by His perfect love!
